Nerf has been making kids happy by letting them shoot other kids in the face for years now. However, much like ‘The Hunger Games’, we can’t help but get the feeling that they’re secretly training kids to fight wars. After all, why else would they have invented...
Ok, so let’s go through this gun and see if we can identify the scariest feature of it. Is it the barrel-mounted tripod which means that, if you’re ever unfortunate enough to be in range of this weapon, the shooter will have a steady enough shot to be able to expertly put a dart between your eyes? Is it the massive definitely-overcompensating-for-something magazine capable of holding up to 18 darts? Or is the fact that with the bullet shield on the front, you will never ever be able to put your opponent down with a headshot before they riddle with foam?
Trick question: all of these things are equally terrifying. Don’t mess.
You might have scoffed when you saw the above picture and, yes, we have to admit that the blue and yellow color scheme doesn’t lend itself well to us calling it a terrifying piece of hardware. But, if it makes you feel any better (it won’t), you know for a fact that the only occasion when you’ll ever see this gun in Nerf battle is after you’ve been captured using one of the bigger guns mentioned above, and your captors are sitting re-enacting The Deer Hunter. Oh, and by the way, as Penny Arcade once pointed out you’re Christopher Walken.
Thanks to games like Medal of Honor and Call of Duty, only a small number of children don’t know about the Normandy Invasion during World War 2. So, thanks to Nerf, now your kids/you and your delinquent friends can re-enact it with an untold level of authenticity! Watch as your friends try to shoot you whilst you mow most of them down with your gatling gun! Experience the thrills as you swivel the gun in all directions, ensuring no-on goes away unscathed! Forget about needing to reload thanks to the belt-fed mechanism capable of holding 25 darts! Warning: using this gun in such a way will make you look like a Nazi, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Just for the sake of clarification, the Longshot is the top gun whilst the Longstrike is the one on the bottom. Now that’s sorted, you might be saying to yourself “Isn’t this cheating by having two guns under one item on the listâ€, and our reply is “Yes, absolutely, but we’re trained in the usage of all Nerf guns ever, so bring it bitchâ€. The simple face of the matter though, is that both of these guns are equally insane, and there’s little difference between them. They’re terrifying creations born out some twisted experiment by Nerf at creating guns which are stupid-looking enough not to get you shot by the cops if you ever use them in public, but powerful enough (and trust the author on this) to actually badly hurt you if you ever (again, trust the author on this) get shot in the face with one.
If you’re ever on the wrong side of the barrel during battle, hope for a strong wind though. Foam darts hate that.
The first thing you’ll notice about this gun is the huge freaking barrel mounted onto the side. The huge freaking barrel that, despite looking like something from ‘Bugsy Malone’, is capable of holding 35 kidney-destroying darts. However, like all the best bad guys, this gun has two main issues: firstly, it only fires one dart at a time and secondly, after every shot, it needs to manually reloaded using a slide on the front. But, holy shit, be glad this thing only has one barrel because this gun hurts. Imagine a minigun version, but don’t imagine that too hard because that would be the best thing they’ll never ever make ever.
Well, we’ll just shut up our stupid mouths on our stupid faces then won’t we? Yes, apparently Nerf made a minigun and it looks as terrifying as all shit. The Wildfire was able to fire 24 darts in a bowels-emptying-ly fast time of 8 seconds, which equates to one dart every 0.3 seconds. We’re not mathematicians here, but when that gun could easily be aimed at your genitals by a particularly malicious opponent, that time is very very very quick. If you see one, just treat it like a wild lion and run for your life.
Question: what’s worse than a gun? Answer: a gun you can’t see until it’s pointed at your chest. That’s obviously the same thing that was running through the heads of the Nerf designers when they came up with the Deploy; when disguised, it’s shaped like a toolbox with a torch on the front, which considering that’s also bright yellow, also has the side effect of making you look like a raging tool too. However, by pressing a switch on the top, it instantly transforms into a sub-machine gun and suddenly you’ve taken 7 darts to the chest.
