What’s the first thing you think of when you think of Japan? The birthplace of many of your favorite electronic gadgets? That place Godzilla kept trashing? Or the country that sells used panties in vending machines and regards ‘tentacle length’ as being an indicator of sexual prowess? Precisely. Most people consider Japan to be some kind of bizarre land filled with weird freaky shit. And you know what? They’d be right.
But judging by the looks of it, they’re running out of stuff to make weird, so they’re starting to steal good ideas and turn them bad. Here are the twelve best (or worst) examples we could find.
OK, so there are only a few things in the world that, no matter how hard anybody tries, you can’t possibly ruin. What things? Well, for starters, there’s sex, chocolate, beer, The Dark Knight, and the faithful humble alarm clock. Wait, what was that last one? Forget it guys, Japan went there.
This is the Helicopter Alarm Clock, something which represents both the insanity of Japan and their unmatched inventiveness when it comes to naming things. How it works is simple: you set the time, go to sleep and dream about Japanese people dream about (Pokemon and the Emperor probably), and then it goes off with an unholy racket, the top propeller flies off, and decapitates your cat. And then, you actually need to get out of bed, find the propeller amongst the remains of your ex-feline ex-friend, and then plug it back in before the damn thing will shut up.
Still, it’s better than some other designs...
Pro-tip: Getting arrested because your neighbour thinks you’re waving a gun around is never ever fun, more-so at 7am. Hope the police let you put on some pants before throwing you into the back of the patrol car.
We here at Artsy Swag believe in two things; firstly, boobies. Secondly, we believe in not over-explaining our jokes, so coming up now is a selection of strange freaky buildings whose weirdness just speaks for itself.
Is it just us or does that last one have the face of a child? A demonic child, what with the glowing red porch, but a child none the less.
Ruining the car is near-impossible. We, after all, invented ‘Pimp My Ride’, a show where Xhibit borrowed people’s cars, shoved them into a workshop, and brought them out looking they’d just covered the car in glue and rolled it into a pile of plasma TV’s. Like a Katamari Damacy made of chrome plating. But, no. It seems Japan isn’t even going to let us have this.
Using this on the morning commute will only ensure one thing you spend the entire time reciting lines from Back to the Future; “You callin’ me chicken?†(used when some dickwad in a Toyota cuts you up on the highway), “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!†(used when you daydream about not getting stuck in a two-hour long traffic jam by having your car turn into a B52 and carpet-bomb everyone else), and especially if you live in Europe, “I hate manure!†(because, y’know, there’s tonnes of that shit there, no pun intended).
But, then your co-worker pulls up next to you in this:
Yeah. That’s how. Before you call bullshit on that by the way, that is an actual real thing that they sell over there. Although to be honest, we can’t ever think of a situation where you’d need it. People who like to make sandwiches on the subway? Lube fetishists who like their toys really lubed up? Obese people? Please, someone tell us. Although actually, thinking about it, practical jokesters could have a field day with this in art lessons. That’s not a hint by the way: that’s an order to do this right now.
Still, it can’t get weirder right?
Yes, they’re vibrators made in the shape of appear to be vegetables. We think at least. Although, the second one does look like the penis of The Incredible Hulk, so maybe there’s a big market previously-untapped market for ‘The Avengers’ sex toys over there.
Look at it this way; ‘Hawkeye’ could totally unplug that vibrator from his phone in the heat of battle and shoot it at someone like an arrow made of inappropriateness. You might have also noticed a running theme here amongst these Japanese sex toys, in that there’s not a lot of actual sex going on, only self-love. Wonder why? Because they also sell these:
Looking at it is guaranteed to ensure that you never, ever do anything that could ever result in something like that being born. Ever.
Written by: Oliver May copyrighted © artsyswag.com
