For a video game maker to produce the best game that they can, all of their money often needs to be spent on things like wonderful writing’ (the obvious exception to this being Mass Effect 3), good graphics, and superb sound. Unfortunately, this doesn’t leave much money left for the box, so it’s little wonder that some people try and hire students from the local community college to help them. If not, why would these monstrosities exist?
We know ninjas mean stealth and sneakiness, but what possible tactical advantage does he get by playing his golf games at night? The answer to this question, by the way, is “None, although no-one will ever see me embarrassing the honor of my family by doing thisâ€. Also, that clearly isn’t a ninja; that’s the guy with the big sword who Indiana Jones shot in that marketplace in “Raiders of the Lost Arkâ€.
Unfortunately, despite having ‘Fight’ in the name, the game does not offer you to the chance to pit a man who could only be the result of mixing the DNA of Terrence Stamp, Sylvester Stallone, and a Ghost Rider era Nicholas Cage in a battle to the death against a man who looks uncannily like Saddam Hussein or a thin Stalin.
Thank God that we don’t have to try and work out the plot of this game via the box art, or we’d all be screwed/insanely confused: “So, it’s a young Michael Cera frolicking around the countryside hitting windmills with planks of wood? What about the ghost girl? Does she tell him to ‘use the force’ everytime he misses his target? No, wait that’s Star Wars....this is a dumb gameâ€.
Finally, a game that allows you to accurately simulate what happens to Watson at the end of ‘The Reichenbach Fall’. Was the eponymous courier responsible for preventing Watson from reaching Sherlock in time? Probably not, seeing as this game was made in the early 2000’s by a person who, when they researched about this game, evidently confused ‘couriers’ with ‘wrestlers’. Although, if you live in NYC, you’ll all know that this game is completely based on real-life.
On the advice of our lawyers, we aren’t going to make any jokes or insinuate that the older guy in this image is finding more joy in the company of that child than is legally allowed in all states, apart from Alabama and Georgia. You’d have thought King Arthur would object to this as well, but let’s face: that guy looks a bit of a dick, and also, just like Sean Connery.
Anybody who knows their Doctor Who history will instantly know that this box art is an exact representation of what the title sequence for the original 1963 series starring William Hartnell was going to look like. However, the bigwigs at the BBC objected (for some reason) at a couple of things, namely the screaming purple face which makes the pictured head look like an oversized blackcurrant, the matchsticks which are holding his guys open (obviously a makeshift homage to A Clockwork Orange), and of course, the fact that in the background there are several more clones of this hideous scene. Pussies.
Remember that dickhead knight who looks like Sean Connery from the paedo-tastic Checkers game above? Well, karma seems to have got him because by the looks of it, he’s about to have the flesh stripped from his bones by the Knights Who Say ‘Ni’. Or some owls in big flowy capes. Whichever, really. Although that frightened worried stance he’s taking might be a result of the electric sparkling probe that lady seem to be trying to insert into his bottom.
So many questions need asking of this, so we’ll just lead straight into them. Is the plot of this game focused on Mega Man trying to rescue the rest of his suit from an evil laundrette owner, hence why he only appears to be wearing a sleeve? Has he teamed-up with Iron Man, what with the bright silver suit and everything? Why is he being watched by a giant brain on an altar and an Angry Birds-esque head rendition of the Cheshire Cat? WHY IS HIS ARM A BOWLING PIN?
No, it isn’t. Anyone who buys this thinking this is, like, Superman: The Early Years needs to stop deluding themselves right now. From what we can deduce, this game is about Alan Rickman being stalked by the robot from Lost in Space in the middle of Stonehenge, his character trait of which is to fire his gun into the air wildly at random intervals. Also, there’s clearly no ‘S’ on his suit. D- for accuracy.
Quite frankly, what other game could have reached the top spot of this list? We could spend literally all day poking through this image and dredging up all of the oddities. For instance, where does he hold his sword when he’s riding? Do the handlebars have spikes on as well? And where does he buy those phat rims, from P Diddy’s garage sale? But, we like this game too much to hurt it. We’ll be on eBay looking for a copy if anybody wants us.
written by: Oliver May copyrighted © artsyswag.com
